So this will stop hurting... when?

Tough day today. I thought a lot about my baby. In heaven.

A few days ago, I said to Nathan while I was doing the dishes, "I don't think I am ready to have kids after all. My emotional reserve is used up."

I really felt that way, too. Too much anxiety, so much stress.. so many tears.. (not to mention all of the medical bills starting to flow in. Hello $250 pap smear.) I felt like I needed a break. And maybe a box of trojans. I felt like I was trying to move on and let things go.

Today I feel differently. I sat in church and looked at the beautiful babes being cuddled and kissed by their mothers. I looked at the little girls perched on their daddy's knees, the obvious looks of love on those daddy's faces. When a little blondie babe waved my way, I nearly lost it. I even longed to take the screaming child behind me into my arms.

Later this evening we went to a family birthday party for Nathan's sister. My beautiful niece who is a year and a half cheerfully toddled around the room, giggling and hugging everyone. I tried repeatedly to get her to come to me and let me cuddle her and kiss her rosy cheeks, but she cried and squirmed every time I tried. My heart broke. Not even my own baby stuck around to let me cuddle and kiss it, let alone this little one.

Nathan's sister is 37 weeks pregnant and glowing. She is expecting a boy. I am trying so very very hard to be happy for her. In fact, I am extremely happy for her, but it is also a very sad reminder of what I have lost.

Don't get me wrong, I have faith that we will get pregnant again... but that doesn't lessen the sting of loss. At least not yet.

Nathan took me to my parent's house on the way home from the birthday party. I crawled into bed with my mom and cried my eyes out. I cried so hard I nearly choked. My mom also lost her first baby, and she held me tight and handed me tissues while I cried.

My mom talked a lot about the atonement of Jesus Christ, too. She said that I need to let him take this pain away. I need to give it to him and let him help me carry the load. I know this is true, and I know that Christ can relieve any pain. Life is full suffering. The responsibility of bringing children into this world is a difficult task... not only physically, but especially emotionally. Christ has already experienced my suffering, and I know if I turn to him I can receive the peace I need to try again. Even now when I feel my emotional well is dry, He is there to fill it up again.... to fill it to overflowing.

Sunday Picture of the Day

In honor of my beautiful wedding ring, currently vacationing at the jeweler for a broken prong. Ouch!

Haven't seen my photography site? Check it out! www.katyivesphotography.blogspot.com

I am a fan of Cjane.

Have you ever read Cjane's blog? She is a very very inspirational woman, and I adore reading about her madcap vintage life. She amazes me and makes me want to wear a dress and high heels whilst campaigning for my favorite local politicians every day. She also has adorable kids, and an incredible life story. If you haven't read Cjane, you should check her out here. Then, make sure you come back here afterwards ;)

Cjane introduced me to this awesome new group called "The Lower Lights". They performed at their family's annual independence day gala, and after watching this video, I was very impressed! When they release an album, it will be mine. I will play it in my car and be spiritually edified.

Enjoy!

The Lower Lights // A Hymn Revival from The Lower Lights on Vimeo.

I have a crush....

...on Leonard Nimoy. I'm not even joking.

Normally I am not a trekkie kind of girl, but we've been watching the first season of the original Star Trek from the 60's. All I have to say is... I think I am attracted to highly logical men. (I married one after all).

Maybe I like logical men because I am a highly emotional woman. Opposites attract, right? Yes, Leonard Nimoy did a few pretty embarrassing things, like making a music video about hobbits and releasing an album of Star Trek related songs.. but I still like him even if he is a little bit silly sometimes. Never call Spock silly, though. He is definitely not silly.

Sunday Picture of the Day

...Because a picture is worth 1,000 words.

Taken March 13th, 2010 at the Draper, Utah Temple. Our 1st Anniversary.

Meet My Bike

I made this little purchase a few months ago, and already I have gotten some great mileage out of her. Isn't she beautiful? I haven't had a bike since I had a paper route in Jr. High, and so it was so much fun to hop on and discover that I can still ride like a pro. It also helps to have a cushy seat and pink rims. Come on now, who wouldn't love a bike that looks like a watermelon?!

**If you are wondering what that boxy thing is on my shoulder, it is a plant press. I used it in my wildflower botany class.**

Laugh or Cry (or Both!)

Time for a funny story. Enough with this depressing stuff.

An hour or so ago, I decided to take a nice hot soak in the bath. I stripped down naked and got the water running, and turned around to find a disgusting, squirming, enormous earwig writhing in my bathwater.

Now tell me, what would any sane, normal woman do? Of course. Scream repeatedly until their husband comes and kills it. Duh.

I even threw in a pretty melodramatically fake puking noise.

When Nathan didn't come to assist his damsel in distress, of course I went to find him. I popped out of the bathroom to find Nathan at the front door with our elderly neighbor, Mrs. B, who was holding a large, beautiful pie.

Yes, our front door is in direct sight of our bathroom door.

I yelped and popped back into the bathroom immediately, but not before poor Mrs. B. got an eyeful of the jiggly, disgusting, bloody mess that I am. Poor poor Mrs. B.!

Mrs. B. then called out kindly "Are you alright?" (Yes, she heard my screams and puking sounds), and I just popped my head out and reported that there was an earwig. I hid in the bathroom and sat there mortified until she left.

Nathan came to find me and laughed at me while I cried about it. I cried.... until I started laughing at how silly the whole situation was and how Mrs. B. was probably equally as embarrassed as I was.

I called her after I had composed myself and after saying that she "barely saw anything", she reported that she giggled all of the way home. What an awesome old lady.

Then I thoroughly enjoyed her delicious pie.

Lemon Meringue.

Convalescence

The dam that once was my preggy uterus finally broke yesterday. Both me and my poor uterus were puking our guts out. The pain was so bad that I thought Mr. Uterus was going to completely jump ship, but thankfully we both weathered the worst of it. Talk about scary amounts of blood and puke. Sorry, didn't want to get too graphic there.

Really though, the vomiting is probably my own fault. The pain was so bad from the cramps that Nathan suggested I take one of his Oxycodon pills from his hand accident last fall. (Please don't sick the doctor police on me.)

Well, I'm not sure if I have ever taken that kind of insanely ABSURD pain medication before, but my body didn't not like it. Not one little bit. My mom and dad came and peeled me off of my couch and took me home with them (making only one emergency road side puke stop). I spent the rest of the day while Nathan was at work rolling around in agony in my parents recliner/bathroom. Lovely.

Still cramping today, but nothing like yesterday. I am trying to talk my way out of having to take my ballroom dance final tonight. (yeah, fabulous timing, right?). I am pretty sure I will be able to avoid it and still get a decent grade. My teacher seems like an understanding type of person.

Mentally I am doing much much better. Tuesday was the worst day, full of lots of self pity, grieving, and wallowing in my own misery, but I am doing better. I still cry, but not all of the time. Thank you to all of my wonderful friends and family for all of your kind emails, comments, phone calls, texts, visits, trips to the store, fast food runs, and prayers. Even if I haven't gotten back to you (I'm still having a hard time talking about it), I still very much appreciate all of your kindness.

So in summary, even though my body feels like this:

... Wait... that is still too cute. Let's try again.

So even though my body feels like this:

...yes that is much more accurate.

My mind is beginning to feel a bit more like this:

No Baby.

Not anymore.

Update: Bedrest Day 2

Nathan woke me this morning at 11 am when he was leaving for church. I reluctantly crawled out of bed, feeling like a creature from the bottom of Utah lake. Feeling a bit more motivated then yesterday, I braved a shower. It felt awesome. I even went to the trouble of shaving and exfoliating my legs, and I feel like a new woman.

After standing for nearly 30 minutes, I ordered myself back to the couch with a bowl of cinnimon toast crunch and bananas. Yum.

The pain is not as intense this morning, especially easing in my lower back. Hooray! The last 24 hours I have passed nothing of as great significance as Friday night. Just small traces of tiny old blood clots, and yesterday morning, a microscopic spot of red blood. The doctor said if things were going well, that is what would happen - more brown stuff and maybe a little bit of blood. A bit of the tenderness in my chest had returned by yesterday evening, making me feel a little bit more pregnant again. I am starting to hope for the best again, rather than brace myself for the worst.

Nathan spent the day spoiling me yesterday. He is such a wonderful man. Seriously, how did I get so lucky?! He cleaned the house, started the laundry, and went to the grocery store. He bought me my favorite Burt's Bee's Pomegranate chap stick, and even a cute box of tissues to catch my tears. He also returned with two different flavors of ice cream (yes I sampled both. It is a special circumstance, ok?). He even went over to my parents house and hunted around until he found my childhood Super Nintendo. If you know me well, you know I am pretty anti-video games. We have agreed that we don't want to have any in our house when our children are growing up, but I suddenly needed my Super Nintendo to keep my mind off of things. I haven't played it in YEARS. I guess Super Mario World will always have a soft spot in my heart. That kept me distracted for a few hours, which was great. I can still kick butt at it too. My muscle memory is pretty great, I guess. He also returned with my favorite Chinese takeout for dinner, which slightly tempted me to eat something. Delish. We also played a epically long game of Scrabble. he kept trying to use words like "Gullboat"... whatever that is. He kept me giggling by doing his Betty Boop impression over and over. You should really ask to see it sometime. It is nothing like Betty Boop (whom he hates), but it is still hilarious.

One of my very dearest friends since childhood came over yesterday too. Knowing how much I was missing my mommy, she brought her mommy with her, who was like a second mother to me while we were kids. They cheered me up so much. Her mom has had many miscarriages, and it was such a comfort to talk to someone who knows what I am feeling. She talked me through it and helped me feel very calm. Seriously, those two were heaven sent, I have no doubt. After they left, my spirits were lifted and my heart was very calm.... in a way that a Betty Boop impression can never make you feel.

My dear brother Clint also came by last night and gave me a priesthood blessing with Nathan. It was very comforting. Nathan gave me a blessing on Friday night in the middle of the night, but it was nice to have another one. Clint is the best brother in the world. He held me and made me feel like I can cry and act like I am 5 again. Best big brother ever. Then he went on his way to take one of my dear friends on a 2nd date ;) I set them up, and I am dying to hear how it went.

Well, that is how things are going. My mom and dad's ship arrives tonight in British Columbia, and they will have cell service. They fly home tomorrow. It has been a long 2 weeks filled with too much drama. I can't wait to hear from them.

Don't know what else to do.

I probably have the worst timing in the world. I probably should not have announced my pregnancy.

Last night at about 12:30 I noticed I was passing some tissue, and it made me very scared. I had a strange pain all day yesterday that wouldn't go away, and so I wasn't really surprised that something might be wrong. I called the after hours line for my OB, and got to talk to the doctor. He said that it might be fine, but it might not. I am supposed to be on bed rest for the next couple of days and see what happens. I haven't seen any bright red blood, so that is a good sign.

I did not sleep well, and to make matters worse, my other pregnancy symptoms have dissappeared this morning.

I am sitting here just sick with worry, and all I want is my mom. Who is on a cruise in Alaska and out of cell phone range.