Sunday, July 25, 2010

So this will stop hurting... when?

Tough day today. I thought a lot about my baby. In heaven.

A few days ago, I said to Nathan while I was doing the dishes, "I don't think I am ready to have kids after all. My emotional reserve is used up."

I really felt that way, too. Too much anxiety, so much stress.. so many tears.. (not to mention all of the medical bills starting to flow in. Hello $250 pap smear.) I felt like I needed a break. And maybe a box of trojans. I felt like I was trying to move on and let things go.

Today I feel differently. I sat in church and looked at the beautiful babes being cuddled and kissed by their mothers. I looked at the little girls perched on their daddy's knees, the obvious looks of love on those daddy's faces. When a little blondie babe waved my way, I nearly lost it. I even longed to take the screaming child behind me into my arms.

Later this evening we went to a family birthday party for Nathan's sister. My beautiful niece who is a year and a half cheerfully toddled around the room, giggling and hugging everyone. I tried repeatedly to get her to come to me and let me cuddle her and kiss her rosy cheeks, but she cried and squirmed every time I tried. My heart broke. Not even my own baby stuck around to let me cuddle and kiss it, let alone this little one.

Nathan's sister is 37 weeks pregnant and glowing. She is expecting a boy. I am trying so very very hard to be happy for her. In fact, I am extremely happy for her, but it is also a very sad reminder of what I have lost.

Don't get me wrong, I have faith that we will get pregnant again... but that doesn't lessen the sting of loss. At least not yet.

Nathan took me to my parent's house on the way home from the birthday party. I crawled into bed with my mom and cried my eyes out. I cried so hard I nearly choked. My mom also lost her first baby, and she held me tight and handed me tissues while I cried.

My mom talked a lot about the atonement of Jesus Christ, too. She said that I need to let him take this pain away. I need to give it to him and let him help me carry the load. I know this is true, and I know that Christ can relieve any pain. Life is full suffering. The responsibility of bringing children into this world is a difficult task... not only physically, but especially emotionally. Christ has already experienced my suffering, and I know if I turn to him I can receive the peace I need to try again. Even now when I feel my emotional well is dry, He is there to fill it up again.... to fill it to overflowing.


Sarah said...

Katy, I love your post. You are blessed to know that you have the capabilities, to conceive. You are strong, and you can face anything. I know it isn't easy. I am suffering from cysts on my ovaries, and that creates a whole slue of infertility problems. You are wonderful, and the Lord is eager to grant you with another child! I just know it!

Good Luck! We are all praying for you!

Belle said...

"The righteous cry and the Lord hears. And delivers them out of all their troubles. The Lord is near to the brokenhearted, and saves those who are crushed in spirit." Psalm 34:17-18

May God bless you with his comfort and love.

Jimmy & Amy said...

What your mom said to you was some of the best things that were said to me after we lost our first baby. I remember very vividly the Sunday's I lost it and left after seeing all of the babies and mommies...It's hard. Don't blame yourself for anything. When I miscarried, I thought of every little reason why it was my fault, when in no way was it. Your baby loves you so much and will never forget you and always be with you. Give yourself the time you need to heal. You will heal, you will feel love, and you will be happy again. Sorry for the book lecture, we love you!

JOLENE GOH :) said...

Hey Katy! I am somebody who just clicked the "Next Blog" sign and it came to your blog. And know what? Jesus loves you, cast your load to Him, and you will find peace in Him. I pray that you have favour and blessings raining unto you and that with His love, you'll pull through this. In Jesus' name, Amen!

Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil for You are with me, Your rod and Your Staff, they comfort me.
Psalm 23:4

Sami Saayer said...

have faith.