Tough day today. I thought a lot about my baby. In heaven.
A few days ago, I said to Nathan while I was doing the dishes, "I don't think I am ready to have kids after all. My emotional reserve is used up."
I really felt that way, too. Too much anxiety, so much stress.. so many tears.. (not to mention all of the medical bills starting to flow in. Hello $250 pap smear.) I felt like I needed a break. And maybe a box of trojans. I felt like I was trying to move on and let things go.
Today I feel differently. I sat in church and looked at the beautiful babes being cuddled and kissed by their mothers. I looked at the little girls perched on their daddy's knees, the obvious looks of love on those daddy's faces. When a little blondie babe waved my way, I nearly lost it. I even longed to take the screaming child behind me into my arms.
Later this evening we went to a family birthday party for Nathan's sister. My beautiful niece who is a year and a half cheerfully toddled around the room, giggling and hugging everyone. I tried repeatedly to get her to come to me and let me cuddle her and kiss her rosy cheeks, but she cried and squirmed every time I tried. My heart broke. Not even my own baby stuck around to let me cuddle and kiss it, let alone this little one.
Nathan's sister is 37 weeks pregnant and glowing. She is expecting a boy. I am trying so very very hard to be happy for her. In fact, I am extremely happy for her, but it is also a very sad reminder of what I have lost.
Don't get me wrong, I have faith that we will get pregnant again... but that doesn't lessen the sting of loss. At least not yet.
Nathan took me to my parent's house on the way home from the birthday party. I crawled into bed with my mom and cried my eyes out. I cried so hard I nearly choked. My mom also lost her first baby, and she held me tight and handed me tissues while I cried.
My mom talked a lot about the atonement of Jesus Christ, too. She said that I need to let him take this pain away. I need to give it to him and let him help me carry the load. I know this is true, and I know that Christ can relieve any pain. Life is full suffering. The responsibility of bringing children into this world is a difficult task... not only physically, but especially emotionally. Christ has already experienced my suffering, and I know if I turn to him I can receive the peace I need to try again. Even now when I feel my emotional well is dry, He is there to fill it up again.... to fill it to overflowing.